Peaceful & Painless
by StephanieFan
Summary: From Stephanie's POV. How does Steph really feel about being a middle child? Rated For Character death, Drugs and some blood and violence. Mainly suicide.


StephanieFan: I'm a Stephanie Fan so don't say I hate her just because of what happens in this fic! Cause I don't. This is just for drama. I would keep Steph alive but that'll happen on my next fic. And no flamers!

* * *

I leaned against my mother's grave. Crying softly. Thinking if my life will get better.

They say at least two people care about you in the world. Really? I feel as though the ones I love always leave me.

**Mom**

I miss you so much. Did you know that? Do you feel anything? How's it like in heaven? Will you be reunited with the ones you love? If I died right here right now will I see you again?

I threw my head back and laughed. Do people honestly believe in afterlife? I mean, once you're dead...you're dead. Nothing else. No feelings, emotions and everything's just blank. The pain you felt to leave your loved ones behind. Did you not feel that mom? Were you not sadden to watch as dad and our faces slipt away. Knowing you will never see us again. I felt that, mom. Though I'm not the one leaving. I watched as your soul left this world. Everything may never be the same.

Do you not know I felt the only person who cared about me has left? You. Pamela Tanner. My mother. The only person who loved and cared about me no matter how successful DJ was or how adorable Michelle is. There's always place in your heart for your middle child. Who sometimes means nothing really to others. Maybe not nothing. But still not the most important. Mother, you never played favorites. Or did you? I remember playing in those sunny afternoons. Michelle was not yet born. Dad would be at work and you would stay with me. We tossed a bouncy ball around the house. Eating, laughing and enjoying ourselves.

But that never lasted now did it? DJ would come home and suddenly, like the planets revolving around the sun, DJ became the sun. Attention would be like the planets. All orbiting the mighty ball of red hot fire. While I stood as the cold planet of Pluto. Cold, lonely and forgotten. Always being the farthest away from events.

Dad always said those words that stung like a knife through my heart "DJ! My first born! My pride and joy!"

You would agree with him wouldn't you mom? You always did. Do you seriously think I don't remember? I may be a four year old at the time but I'm not stupid. Seeing DJ get everything and always the first made me even more determined than ever to win this battle. Donna Jo Margeret Tanner! I won't give up just yet.

Alas, the terrible accident left me with nothing. The only one who loved me enough to look at me as the greatest thing that's happened. You left mom. But I hope to see you in heaven soon. Without DJ or Michelle.

Mama, I'm not trying to make you feel bad about anything. Just to lt you know that the five, or rather almost five years were the greatest. That driver mom? I never heard from him. Is he arrested or is he simply dead? I'm sure he went to hell. God can't possibly let him live. It may have been an accident but should that idiot really have been drinking in the first place? Whoever made alchohol damn you! It's you who took my mother away from me. Only person I loved who loved me back. Gone...

Does anyone care? I cry. But I was a mere five year old at the time so who would care what _I_ thought. They only think I mourn over a lost parent. I mourn for much more than just that.

Michelle may never know what a terrific person you were. DJ would also cry along with me. She wouldn't appreciate what attention she got. Never respect the things you have. Until they're gone forever.

DJ, she would get mad at Kimmy for dumb reasons. Sunglasses, boyfriends and everything else which makes a teenager tick. Those two are adults now. Married. A guy DJ met in college. Michael, I believe is his name. They're happy together. Whenever I visit her she never fails to remember our mom. You. When she breaks down crying Michael would wrap his arms around her. Whispering calm, gentle words in her ear till the crying stops. I guess I was wrong about her. She misses you mom. I miss you too.

After the horse riding accident Michelle realized she never knew you. I think I could hear it at night. The small sobs. Why do they sound so familar? Yet so foreign at the same time. Sobs were like mine. Quiet and uncontrollable. Is there anything or anyone that can stop them? No.

The answer is simply no. Rely on as many people as you want. See if any are worth the pain. Cause everyone will hurt you at one time. Even parents. Fail to be at your side.

I curled my hand into a fist and hit the ground. Life's not fair and I should know that by the age of 25. Things don't go your way you want.

**But Good Things**

Is when you and dad care about me like I'm the only child. And don't care how fucking cute that chocolate obsessed brat is. I love my sisters! I really do! If only they love me back. If only I could take back everything I said before...

**_Flashback_**

_A terrifying sound when skin and skin made contact. Leaving Michelle Tanner with a red mark on her face. _

_"How could you slap me! I'm your own sister!" screamed the twenty-year-old Michelle. _

_I merely looked at my hand. Maybe I have slapped her too hard judging by the color on my palm. But I was too angry to care. If she really thinks off me as a sister she wouldn't treat me like a crap. I raised my hand to slap her again._

_Michael caught it and yanked me away from Michelle and whispered "Why can't you get along with your sisters like every other family does? An hour ago you tried to punch my wife."_

_Now I turned my glare on him. I knew he was right. But I'm not willing to accept anything. So many years of jealousy and anger and he wants me to forget it like that? Ha! If it were really that simple we wouldn't have so many wars._

_Slowly, I slipped my hand out of Michael's grip._

_"No,"_

_"What?" Michael sounded shocked._

_"Are you deaf! I said no and no means no! So get the fuck out of my way!"_

_Another sound. This time I felt the pain. I gave him anothe glare "Why did you slap me?"_

_"I need you to understand that you gotta treat your sisters with respect. When you tried punching DJ I really felt like throwing knives at you!"_

_"If you threathen me one more time I swear I'll call the police."_

_"I'm not threathening you!"_

_I sank down to the coach to think. Should I forgive them? At least an "I'm sorry" could do it but they hardly said anything but throw insults at me since I attempted to punch DJ. Then my decision was made. I rose from the coach and walked until the door knob was in my grasp. _

_Turning back I replied gravely "I won't be here to bother you much longer."_

_**End Flashback**_

Now I hugged on to my mom's grave stone. And felt as though she hugged me back. Drizzle turned to rain. Water decreases pain. So I pulled out knife. Like Michael threathen me. Now he and DJ will never forget how I died. The three, Michael, DJ and Michelle all heard him say that.

One slash.

Blood spills from my neck. Quickly washed away by rain. But it didn't hurt. Emotional pain hurt worse. But I wouldn't want to die imperfect. So I let the rain wash away the blood till it stopped. I think I have other things in my purse.

A bottle. I think they're sleeping pills from when I kept waking up from horrible nightmares of your death, mom. I poured the first pill out.

**Ten**

Depression

How every person feels when left out. A stage of grief when someone close to you dies.

**Nine**

Anger

You should have never left me! Though dad still cares for me I can never find anyone to replace a mother like you were. I felt sorry for dad when he and Vicky broke up. But in reality. I felt relieved. No one will replace you.

**Eight**

Emotions and feelings stop for a brief second.

**Seven**

Jealousy

Why shouldn't a sister be jealous some point in her life?

**Six**

Disbelief

Another stage of grief. Not believing it's happening.

**Five**

Happiness

I'm feeling this way cause I'm halfway done with the pills.

**Four**

Realization

Suddenly I snap out of it thinking maybe DJ and Michelle wouldn't have treated me that bad if they had a second chance.

**Three**

Pain

Not physical pain of course. Mental. So what will happen if they really don't care? I'm willing to give them a second chance? Nothing will change now. I'm more than half through.

**Two**

Loneliness

When you're too old to count on parents loving you as they did when you were a child. DJ has Michael. Michelle even has a boyfriend in college. What do I have? I'm sitting next to my mom's grave!

**One**

So it all ends soon...I took the last pill and slept next to the grave. Peaceful and painless. Is that not how every person wishes to die?


End file.
